There's one Christmas song that drives me absolutely nuts. Well, there's really more than one, but one in particular not only makes me get up and turn off the radio, it makes me want to scream. I swear if I hear it one more time I'm going to have to hurt someone.
While Dominic the Donkey, and I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas are annoying, and any song with children singing drives me up a wall, the one that really bugs me is The Christmas Shoes.
If you're not familiar with the song (I don't know how you could not be, they play it at least every hour on most stations), it starts out with some guy standing in line waiting to pay for his Christmas purchases. There's a kid in front of him counting out his change to buy--get this--women's shoes.
First off, how many men do you know who would have the patience to stand in line on Christmas Eve while some kid counts out pennies at the checkout? Exactly. Zero. Second, how many times have you seen a boy in line buying women's shoes? Exactly. Zero. Heck, you don't even see too many grown men buying women's shoes. And the ones who do are probably buying them in really large sizes, if you get my drift.
The kid explains that his mother is on her deathbed so he's buying her shoes so she looks nice when she meets Jesus. And the guy in the song falls for it. He pays for the shoes.
Maybe I worked for a police department for too long, or maybe I've read Oliver Twist, or seen the movie too many times, but I think the kid is a scam artist. I picture the urchin looking like this:
Even if the mother was real, would the kid buy her shoes? How many children know what size shoe their mother wears? How many children even know shoes come in different sizes? When was the last time you saw an eight year old boy want to buy anything at all for his mother when he could buy the latest Star Wars toy?
See, I think if the mother exists, she's a crackhead and sent the kid to score something nice that she can sell to get some cash. Who could resist a cute kid with a story about his mother dying?
And if the mother doesn't exist, he hangs out with people like this:
It's a scam, I tell you.