Thursday, June 07, 2007

Cops and Cars

Middle aged men should not be permitted to buy cars. To be specific, they shouldn't be allowed to buy police cars. Our department just purchased the world's ugliest police car. It looks something like this, except without the NYPD logo.

What were they thinking? A Dodge Charger with a V-8 engine and mag wheels. Whoever heard of a Dodge Charger for a police car? Police cars are Crown Vics, or Impalas like our other cars.

The only reason I can think of is midlife crisis. The guys who pick the cars are no longer twenty five year old rookies. Their personal vehicles are trucks so large they don't fit into the slots in the parking lot. They are waxed to perfection and heaven forbid they get a spot of dirt on them. I'm sure their wives aren't allowed to drive them. They've been banished to the minivans full of toys, sippee cups and stale Cheerios.

To their credit, the other new police car is an Expedition. Now that makes sense to me. A four wheel drive behemoth can come in handy during our long Pittsburgh winters. What are they going to do with the Charger the four or five months of the year when there's snow and ice on the ground? Put it in the garage for the winter? Obviously this was not a well thought out purchase. And did I mention the car is ugly? The only car we had that was worse was a Dodge Neon. We used to call that one the Clown Car.

My solution? A woman should be in charge of the police car purchases. Like me, for instance. If I were choosing the car, I'd be looking at practical things. You'd never hear me saying, "Dude, this car is so cool!" I'd want to know how well it handled in the snow, not how nifty the skid marks look when you hit the brakes. Is there enough room for the equipment or is the laptop really going to be in my lap? Am I going to hit my head on the video camera when I get into the car (yes that is what happens!)? Does the shotgun fit over the rear window or is the back of the car too small?

See what I mean? I'd at least make sure the cars had enough cup holders.

I'm afraid if they don't put me in charge, the next car will look like this:

Heaven help us.

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